Self Image and Self Destruction - ED Ain't A Joke

This is/was me ...


I remember tugging at my lack of fatty skin and saying "5 more lbs and I'll be hot"...

I remember being over 250 lbs and saying "I'll be skinny again some day"


Just this morning I thought "you could stand to lose another .. nothing"

I was looking through pictures like the above and found a theme.

 Assumptions.

 I just knew people assumed I was fat, I knew people assumed I wasn't as skinny as my sisters. I assumed I was always gonna be chubby and "big boned". I assumed myself into ED- not a guy named Ed, ...an eating disorder.

When I was in HS and college I was a student athlete. Hurdles and that beautiful black or red track with my spikes or cross trainers was my domain. I loved every interval, every 105 degree Texas practice. I loved it all because I was good at it and felt powerful. There's nothing like the snap of your spikes while three stepping 100 m hurdles and crossing a split second before your competitors. It's amazing. 

Then college was over and I ended up with a less than stellar metabolism - no more hurdles. I'd never seen over 170 lbs so I freaked when it "suddenly" happened.

I remember being a lonely newlywed in grad school who's husband traveled driving a truck.. And I was fat. Kept saying that. I'm sooooo fat. 

Then one day I googled weight loss... Then how to lose weight .. Then how to lose weight fast... Then what is bulimia, what is anorexia.. It didn't get better but rather turned downhill.

Getting tips and tricks from other highly dysfunctional and equally lost little girls was my new  high equivalent to the rush of track and field. 

Sidebar- If you've never checked your kids' cache and browsing history - DO IT!  There were 13 year olds leading 20 day no food trick your parents fasts... "Thinspiration boards"  ie super skinny fake a$$ supermodels who inspire not eating and unrealistic expectations.

There was even a spot for rememberances. Those girls who lost their battle... Comments like "sad to lose So and so but did you see her last post?? She hit her goal weight!" Yes. This is true, it still happens. The saying  I saw posted over and over "I won't stop until I see bones" 

I can be honest and say I struggled on and off with shuffling between EDs until I got pregnant. I quit cold turkey because my life changed- I truly love her more than myself. It used to still be a daily struggle to remember to not be selfish  "You are  nursing you need calories"... "She's in the other room  - don't set a bad impression". I don't want her to leverage any part of her beautiful and priceless self worth on a stupid scale or pant sizes that vary from manufacturer to manufacturer, dependent on your country Of residency.  

Finding positive people, healthy options and motivation by doing what I love (being active) kept me honest. I got over the ASSUMPTION that I was the chubbiest instructor to ever teach a class. I have had nothing but great friendships and genuine care from the fabulous folks I met but being just me. That's why I  share the ups and downs of my journey. 

I'm a 31 year old Black Female who grew up in affluent Sugarland, Tx. The cliches are bullshit - people die from this every damned day in every part of society.  EDs know not a single demographic barrier. It knows no race or net worth. It knows self destruction and it comes in all packages and with disguised ️daily tools (TV, magazines, certain "friends", innocent but obsessive habits etc). 

So I challenge you- stop thinking whatever you are thinking that's negative about yourself and put the name of someone you love there ..

"ugh my daughter's hips are huge.. My daughter needs to stop being such a cow and put down that chocolate candy. My daughter is a fat ass".

Hurts and feels horrible right? Good. Remember it and don't do it to yourself. We are so adverse to taking and keeping in mind the good stuff.. The compliments. 

I'm no longer a size 2, I'm a comfy 8-10. I'm shooting for my goals now- not for a size or weight, but rather  for happiness, fun, friendships and athleticism . 

Ok done! Hoping this makes sense to someone ❤️

Comments

Unknown said…
Thanks so much for this post. I'm thankful to have never had an ED, but my self image has always been less than perfect. I have struggled with my weight since high school as well. Always worried what people think & next time I see them will they think I've gained or lost weight? Will they notice I've been working my ass off to be "skinny" or are they gonna talk behind my back about how much weight I gained? It has been a struggle for a long time. Its good to know I'm not alone in the fight & it is a fight. Even now I've lost 25 lbs & I'm smaller than ive been since college & i still feel fat. I should find my inspiration in posts like yours. Thanks:)
September 30, 2015 at 5:53 AM
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