Ongoing Lessons in Life and BALANCE

Hi My name is Jessica and I’m admittedly diagnosed with  ADHD. Watching my feed it’s like, “right. was there a question? You randomly dress in tutus”  However, I’ve always been more than functional with this, but sometimes, or rather for me, one time, it got to be more than I could bear. It takes a transition to get you to re-think and reassess how you approach things and how you react to changes and issues that come about. This is the longest post ever but here we go...

The Background

 I’m a middle child.  Middle child syndrome set in long ago and I’m definitely a people pleaser, mediator if you will. I love it and sometimes hate it.  I want to be mediated on once in a while! Can someone sorta let me just BE there and NOT be involved in the resolution? The answer is usually no.  

Pressing on, I got married a little young, 23 to be exact and proceeded into full Stepmom (two amazing kiddos), wife, worker, grad student, gym goer, etc.  This wasn’t too much in my eyes - it was MY LIFE! I love helping people; I love learning, LOVED losing weight. Life was balanced for me, even if it looked crazy.

The Changes

 Fast forward from 2004 to November 2014.  It’s been a slew of things.  Love, love lost, weight, weight loss, life, life POSSIBLE loss… and no this is not dramatic, its truth. Read on…

Steps towards the Darkness:  Back in November 2014 my ex-husband and I decided it was time to stop trying to force fit each other to make life just GO. You know, the “suburban stupor” I’ve mentioned? It’s so easy to get caught in the “supposed to” -- thank you Brene Brown  for this definition J.  

Well supposed to turned into picking up kids, not seeing my ex much, having a child of our own, new mom and later new job stress, getting weight on, not getting it off, work frustration, overeating, compulsive eating, eating disorder  magnetized, eating well and working out well, but the changes?!?!   They just kept coming and coming.  

It’s funny what happens when you slow down, look and just stay still. When I did, some serious convo with myself occurred. I remember waking up and saying – who the hell are you Jess? This is out of control. 

Ok – back to November 2014 (see, ADHD at its best – SQUIRREL!) – I made the decision to file for divorce after almost 8 years of marriage. Force fitting isn’t only frustrating, it’s unfair. SOMEONE is there for me, and for him and for us all, but I think we get so lost in the making it LOOK good that we forget to GET GOOD. Anyway, water under the bridge, therapy is amazing, and I’m learning the lessons to be a much better version of myself. I can’t complain.

Reaction to Changes

I think I was in disbelief for months.  Yes, I filed. Yes I was sure. No this was not an issue that counseling and such could fix nor church nor just ‘hanging in there’.  We’ve tried that but you have your personal non negotiables.  Mine were honestly (sadly or not) based on my parents’ relationships, what I’d seen and heard growing up and I felt myself slipping into a familiar pattern. The only difference was that it wasn’t one of my parents’ – it was my own. I got terrified of going into a lull and not knowing my own life, so I  ripped the Band-Aid off and filed for sanity and recollection of myself, not just divorce.  Divorce represents those things I listed before I suppose but that’s just a big ol word that starts with a D.. its not the actual stuff you deal with. My divorce?  I think of it as this I order of experiences…

D – dealing with emotions sorta kinda

I – initially thinking WTF AND why?!??!

V – Victorious! Wait, no, Vengeance! Wait no, Vastly confused. Yep that’s it. 

O – opening of the eyes and heart

R – Racing to feeling “better”

C – categorizing friends and family and readjusting relationships

E – extra emotions you didn’t know existed.

That’s my definition breakdown of the big D.  It’s been all these words and phrases plus more. 

What I couldn’t do and honestly still am working through with great therapy is WHAT are my patterns and WHAT can I do to not repeat them. Heck, I’m 32 but that’s not too far from 35, 40 and so on. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is say  - yes, my fault too. It’s called pride and mine has bitten me in the ass for years.

Separations

The saddest thing from all of this was the feeling of floating and separation.  It was a feeling that friend didn’t know how to be with JUST me versus me plus one.  Transition time is more confusing in human nature I think than a clear defined place. Single. Married.Engaged. Divorcing?? The ending of -ing is action verb wording so I think the moving target of divorce is a scary and confusing action.. so everyone backs off. Maybe it’s to brace for the blow ups. Maybe it’s to reconsider their own lives – hell we all have struggles. Sometimes seeing the struggle someone else is having is a wake up to review your own. I digress though….

These were hurtful and I have to say, depression set in pretty quickly.  Yes, now I have a new introduction –  My name is Jessica and I was diagnosed with depression.  How stinkin’ scary is that crap?????  I felt I was too good to get depressed!  What? Endorphins!? I eat them for breakfast! Like literally – I wake up and get those suckers kicking before 6am.  However, busy doesn’t mean best.  The depression crept in and I found myself wondering, why and what and who and I was not managing my life to the best of my ability, I just stayed busy I didn’t allow perspective to settle in which lead to…

Finally, the Event

 Ok really ADHD – it’s being reigned in.  Back in April 2015 (just a couple of months ago) I was at work and suffered a Grand Mal Seizure. On top of being embarrassing, it was confusing.  No epilepsy for me, I’m healthy, never had this happen…WHAT IN THE WORLD!?!  What happened it turns out is that I was so tired from everything that I didn’t keep my medicine straight – all new meds to help push through the hard times – and wrong dosing at the wrong time in a sensitive system equals literally on your ass at work and on a gurney, in an ambulance, on everyone’s mind.  I had nothing but time to think about what got me there.

Was it him? The divorce?  Me being an idiot?  No. it was time and personal emotion management.  I didn’t manage my personal time to allow for grieving.  My body forced me to allow it to do its thing. I’ve let it grieve away and feel 10x better now, much strongerm than I have in a while.

The current status of affairs

 I’m very proud to say, that depression is getting its butt kicked, anxiety under control for the most part and my enthusiasm for being with those I love, care about, inspire and seek to push to their goals… has only quadrupled. I’m headed to a Beachbody annual meeting and conference this summer with a new appreciation for life, sacrifice and love. 

If I could change anything, I would change nothing. I had the best of care and support through this last seven months of certain hell but I feel like the relationships that stuck are the strongest one’s ever.

Long winded! But here’s the end.

My tips for going through divorce separation or any other form of complete emotional breakdown:

1.        Go to a counselor.  Drugs/no drugs. Non-issue. Get this stuff off our chest or it’ll feel like crushing pressure and no human body is meant to handle that alone. Pride be damned, get a damned therapist.

2.       Church – ok sorry about the cussing about but that’s ok.  I’m at peace with it J  There’s a group called DivorceCare that runs a divorce support group that has been my saving grace

3.       Get up and Out!- not to the club to replace him or her  or whatever, but just out of the house!  I found days when I spent time doing tv binges, I felt 10x worse than if I just walked around the library or went grocery shopping a little longer. I just needed OUT!

4.       Cry, Scream, Get Dramatic and Repeat:  If you’re perfect, I call BS. We all gotta cry.. Like really cry. Im talkin’ snot nosed, uncute, words not making sense, fall on the floor Jessie Spano inspired (“…I’m so excited..I’m so excited..I’m sooo..scared!!” ..epic episode btw). Let it go. Don’t be controlling of your emotions or they’ll later control you.

5.    Own it – hey, it’s sucky.  But it’s yours. It can continue to be the biggest suck fest ever or you can mitigate the level of suckage and create a beautiful new whatever you want!

Ok that’s about itJ

I thought that to be fair, I had to let you in a bit, especially since I’m always asking you guys to let me in to help you with whatever you struggle with.

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Last thought – I’ve exercised and done soooo much to get my weight to a happy place.  I couldn’t hide my body from the fact that I was in a place of unhealthy stress.  When the stress reduced, the weight dropped. This is a neat article and it’s SPOT ON for what stress was doing in my life. 

Now I don’t get stressed by doing so many different things, the stress of pretending to be in a  happy marriage, being a happy wife, attemting to be happy with life when it’s all teetering on the hugest "state of maybe" ever, was the stress I couldn’t hide.

I thank my body for being my alarm system and for being MINE all mine to learn from.

I challenge you – look at your life, all those involved, what would it be worth for you to get rid of some of the low hanging fruit in your life?  Could it be worth.. Your life?

-       

- Jess :)